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Oct252010

OMG, R U SRSLY WRITING ABOUT THE VAMPIRE CESAREAN IN BREAKING DAWN?

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By Jill—Unnecesarean

SPOILER ALERT (and salty language)

I finally saw Twilight. I finally understand the widespread appeal of the storyline to teenage girls and young women. I would like to call it a thinly-veiled, metaphorical cautionary tale of the dangers of teenage female sexual desire and activity, except that there was no veil. It wasn’t even subtle. A sexually mature female learns that people are lusting for her blood and fighting off the urge to attack her for it, which will forever change her as a person, pulling her out of the light and into a dark subculture of people with lusty urges. It’s up to a male to police her passion so that they don’t make a life changing mistake they’ll regret forever.

Okee dokee.

About a year ago, someone sent me a link to a blog post on Chud.com about the birth scene in Breaking Dawn, suggesting that I write about it. We laughed, exchanged cordial ewwws and WTF’s and forgot about it.

Since then, the Twilight franchise did its pre-production media blitz for Breaking Dawn and Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, told MTV News this summer that she can’t wait to see the birth scene on the big screen.

When MTV News chatted with the best-selling author at the Los Angeles premiere of “Eclipse” last week, Meyer revealed that she is most excited to see the very descriptive and messy “birth scene” on the big screen.

“I’d love to have the birth scene be every bit as awful — I know it freaked people out, but for those of us who have been through childbirth a couple times, it is a scary, terrifying experience,” she said. “This is just taking that to an exponential power, and I love going there.”

The exponentially terrifying birth to which she’s referring is an emergency cesarean performed by Edward with his teeth. Judging by the public’s fascination with the so-called shark cesarean last year, animalistic surgery by mouth is all the rage.

The author of the post that my friend sent me, Why Breaking Dawn Must Be Made Into a Movie, provided a salty commentary on the controversial vampire cesarean.

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It’s like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It’s so horrible it’s brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she’s about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn’t want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can’t stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he’ll love her forever. So one day he’s going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he sees as a bloody newborn.

Prior to all of the birth drama, Bella and Edward got married. Edward didn’t want to consummate the marriage because he was worried that his powerful, uncontrollable vampire sex skills would leave her battered and bruised. He was right— Bella was beaten unconscious during sex. [Edit: Twilight readers say she was not actually unconscious, just battered and bruised.] Wanting to be with him so badly, she told him that she was alright, went back for more and got pregnant.

The plot summary on the 1.2 million strong Breaking Dawn Facebook page reveals why her pregnancy is bound to be problematic.

Two weeks into their honeymoon, Bella realizes that she is pregnant with a half-vampire child and that her condition is progressing at an unnaturally accelerated rate. After contacting Carlisle, who confirms her pregnancy, she and Edward immediately return home to Forks, Washington. Edward, concerned for Bella’s life and convinced that the fetus is a monster as it continues to develop with unnatural rapidity, urges her to have an abortion. However, Bella feels a connection with her unborn baby and refuses.

Bella’s willingness to sacrifice her life for the sake of the unborn vampire fetus that is literally beating her to death from the inside goes part and parcel with the attitude toward women that steered the plot of the original Twilight movie. In this case, total maternal self-sacrifice, producing a child at all costs to demonstrate love and wanting someone so badly that you will tolerate violent sex (since, you see, he biologically can’t control himself) send quite a message to send to girls and young women about both womanhood and tolerating violent domestic situations.

Twihards, feel free to correct any inaccuracies. I haven’t read the book, but as of July, neither had actor Robert Pattinson, who told MTV News:

Even though he hasn’t yet read the novel, Pattinson still knows a thing or two about the more talked-about “Breaking Dawn” moments. MTV News’ Josh Horowitz commented that some of the story’s big surprises have already been announced — like the fact that Bella Swan is going to be having a baby — and asked Pattinson what he felt about what “Breaking Dawn” had in store.

“I think that’s going to be very funny,” he said about the birthing scene. “The only thing I know about it is the famous scene: the kind of cesarean scene … I do not envy Bill Condon to have to think of some way to do that.”

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Reader Comments (46)

Just so you know, I think you made a typo. Jacob didn't do the c-section. Edward did. In the scene it's from Jacob's perspective and he's talking to her, and giving her CPR.

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngel

Ok, I'm not a big fan, my husband is though, annnnd I know I'm going to get laughed at for this but... its not a werewolf c-section, Edward, the vampire does it, not Jacob the werewolf and he uses his teeth on the amneotic sack only. (Because everything that is 'bella' is soft but everything that belongs to the baby, placenta and sack, is vampire hard). I actually appreciated the 'c-section' scene, if ever there was a cause for an emergency c-section! (I have read them). And she didn't get beaten unconscious in xonsumating the marriage, she just ended up with bruises, that she didn't even realize she had until she saw them. Given her's were rather extensive but I hardly think passionate sex can be termed domestic abuse. On the whole though I thought this was a cute, tongue-in-cheek article. I couldn't take it for the serious critique it was no doubt meant to be because of the inacuracies.

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjespren

Angel, I was corrected within minutes of posting and changed it, screwing up everyone's RSS feed and Facebook links. You can see I'm a HUGE fan, huh? ;)

October 25, 2010 | Registered CommenterJill

All I can say is man, my week is off to the best start EVAR.

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDou-la-la

ugg that whole thing creeps me out!

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternaomi

Too funny. My husband and I both read all the Twilight books and of course in that un-realistic way, it all seems to make perfect sense when you're reading them. Plus, as a previous poster pointed out, if ever there were a legitimate need for an emergency c-section, it would be in this case! :)

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAugusta

It was Edward btw lol who up performed a C with his teeth, and I think that scene is horrifically funny. The whole series is insane with humor, I read the books not because I really gave a flying flip about the plot between Edward and Bella, but because the shear mushy cheesy goodness had me rolling...that and Jacob is funny. He is the only redeeming element of the tale.

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKatherine

We are just now getting into the first couple of Harry Potter movies over here, so you can guess that I haven't read any of the Twilight shit, right?

However, I have two comments on your insightful commentary:

1) hooray for rape culture?

2) WOLF DICK

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFoxyKate

Hey! These books are AWESOME... if you enjoy one-dimensional characters who never experience personal growth, sub-par writing, a whiny "heroine", and the worst plot arc in history (if you even count it as a plot at all).

I am curious to see how many people take offense to your post. I write about how I hate Twilight and people freak out and respond as if I'm insulting their BFF or telling them God isn't real.

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCassiehe

lol @ FoxyKate. : )

Supernatural power boning and pedophiliac tendencies aside..... Does it really sound THAT much worse than any other c-section? At least this one (again, ignoring the above) would produce a wicked cool story. "Oh really? Well, you'll never believe what happened when I had MY baby..."

Maybe such a traumatic scene will help balance out those little 8th grade hormones the other parts of the movies have gotten all stirred up!

October 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTheHausewife
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